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This tale is related in the form of a letter from Sam Snyde to the Life President, Sir Peregrine d'Fault, A.O.L. Bt.

Dear Peregrine

I hear that it was a sudden attack of gout that prevented you from attending last Friday's AGM so, ahead of the official minutes, I'll take this opportunity of telling you what really happened.

As you well know, it hasn't been the best of scribbling years for the group, and the lack-lustre atmosphere of the meeting reflected this. All three executive committee (EC) members were present (one albeit 'honorary'), a rare occurrence. Thus we heard the reports of Chairman Mac (Mackintosh), Bernard (Lumsden) acting as hon. Treasurer, and secretary David (Meanwell).

All were unashamedly self-congratulatory, and recited accounts of the year's business that I, for one, didn't recognise. Had they been set to music, we could just as easily have been listening to the orchestra on the Titanic, similarly determined to go down in a blaze of glory (although 'gurgle' would be a more appropriate description, I suppose). How the EC members, both collectively and individually, reached the end of their term of office without a vote of no confidence being dumped on them just beggars belief (although of course one, the elected treasurer, didn't reach the finishing line).

They all had their problems, didn't they? Mac, if you remember, took early retirement at the end of last year, promptly went on a celebratory holiday to Budapest with his wife, the lovely Marilyn. Once there, he slipped trying to avoid a speeding horse-drawn tram, suffered a hiatus hernia, and had to be air-ambulanced back to the UK. The accident affected his attendance at Scribblers' group meetings but not, paradoxically his mobility. A little bird tells me he was often seen taking part, with great vigour, in wheelchair linedancing sessions at the village hall.

No-one can blame Bernard, of course. He stepped in gallantly when Sandra Daley abandoned the treasurer's job halfway through the year. She claimed lack of time due to the pressure of her studies for a Master's degree in Business Maladministration (which wasn't the real reason for her resignation, I'll come to THAT later). In retrospect, though, her brief performance as treasurer would surely have gained her high marks as a study assignment. What she left was a mess; accounting was evidently not her strong suit. We still don't know how she managed to list the expenditure for a visiting speaker's obligatory bunch of flowers and box of chocs under 'emoluments'!

David, our secretary, failed miserably, didn't he? I remember his acceptance -of-office talk last year. It promised much, but he subsequently delivered little. His assumption of responsibility for setting up the website proved to be too much for him, especially when his wife produced premature triplets a mere TEN months after the birth of their first child. He was reduced to an apologetic lump of blubber (reminiscent of 'The Quatermass Experiment' on nineteen-fifties TV) that threatened to engulf all and sundry.

The new committee members were unanimously elected, all unopposed. Bernard, as new chairman, indicated he favours a 'hands-on but less formal, less businesslike, more member-oriented approach' (whatever that is intended to mean). I took it to be a subtle sideswipe at his predecessor's performance.

Abigail (Singh) is the new secretary. She apologised for not yet having any firm ideas, because she needed first to familiarise herself with all the paperwork (read 'blubber') that she'll be taking over from David.

The female bias on the new committee is completed by Lavinia (Fanshawe), coming in as treasurer. She took a geriatric gap year between this job and her earlier stint as chairman, going to help build mud huts for the deprived natives of Basutoland, or some similar-sounding place, in Africa. I think it was the success she enjoyed on her charitable duties, together with the 'hope' and 'faith' of the membership, that ensured her unopposed election.

It was Item 5 on the agenda, 'Any Other Business', which took up the bulk of the meeting's time. The four matters raised, in order of apparent importance to those present, were:

The excessive quantity of chocolate biscuits, as opposed to the rich tea variety, being provided at coffee breaks.

The website project - quo vadis?

The reading session - how to revitalise it.

The falling membership - any volunteers for a recruitment drive?

Each of these items, despite Bernard's wish that they ought first to be discussed in committee, was heavily (over)debated, as usual. Patricia Ponsonby, our uncivil servant, generated a head of steam on all four. I was seated next to her, and kept giving her figurative digs in the ribs in an attempt to shut her up, but to no avail. Eventually I lost patience and suggested she was the most suitable person to go and put the kettle on for coffee. That worked. She gave me a hurtful, unforgiving look and flounced off into the kitchen.

Unsurprisingly, it was the website project that produced the least discussion. Think back, Peregrine, to that presentation given by Sandra Daley's husband, Arthur (ostensibly a computer expert), on this very subject. He'd just set up his own website-hosting outfit, and David had invited him along to explain the ins and outs of a website for the Scribblers. There he stood, spouting to what he thought was a combination of computer virgins and ignoramuses, but he hadn't bargained for our pet computer guru, Henry the Hyperlink, had he? And when, at the end of the session, Henry opined that Arthur didn't know his 'auto.ex' from his 'sys.config' (or something like that), all the wind was taken from the hapless Arthur's sails, exposing him for the waffler that he was. Sandra never forgave Henry, or those members who laughed scoffingly in agreement. And THAT was the reason for her abandonment of the treasurer's post, make no mistake about it.

The fallout from that misguided presentation was all over David who, from then on, didn't push the project as hard as he'd promised to. Result? It stalled, didn't it? But to no-one's dismay, I suspect. Vivamos los Luddites, that'll teach these metropolitan wide boys not to try and meddle with the stolid burghers of Middle England!

No new ideas were put forward regarding any of the other matters, just the usual reiteration of well-ridden hobby horses, so Bernard capped the discussion by declaring the meeting closed. This came as a welcome relief to those who care about more important things. We could retire to the kitchen in haste and lay claim to the remaining chocolate biscuits before they go out of fashion.

So there it is, Mr Life President, my own (somewhat slanted) view of the year 2000 - 2001 and the AGM. The former being a period during which we as members would with hindsight have been better served by a trio of Trinidadian limbo dancers.

If you ever need someone to push you and your bathchair up the ramp at the side door of the library, you know my telephone number.

Yours, ever

Sam

Copyright © 2001 Paul Grainger